Everything has changed.
We went to the same church today that we’d gone to last week, and something the pastor said hit me hard.
He was talking about Heaven and Revelation 22:4 “They will see His face, and His name will be on their foreheads.”
When he broke it down, he told us that when you put your name on something, you’re proud of it, right? So by God putting His name on our foreheads, He is proud of us. Then he said that many people question this verse and wonder why God would want to put his name on something as flawed as us.
I think that- up until that point I mean thought that. I’m screwed up, walking on the wrong side of the world, plagued by a lustful addiction to fanfiction, the dirtier the better, to pornography and there was no way God would want to put His holy name on that. But he said that God still loved me, despite my transgressions.
He said that he knew there were people in the congregation today who had big things to let go, painful things to let go, sinful things to let go, and that it hurt. We had to decide if we were ready to rip ourselves away from whatever it was distancing us from Christ.
With those words, and the death of my little girl, I decided that it was enough. I came home from church today and deleted my fanfiction, livejournal, and ao3 account. I’m done. I deleted the email associated with them. I deleted most of my stories, because they follow the same nature as most of what I’d read before.
I love to write still of course, and for a moment I considered keeping my account and only reading suitable things, but I decided that the temptation was too much. I took it all away, my bookmarks, my reading lists, my recommendations, everything. He was right, it hurts, and I have to find other things to keep myself occupied.
Other things are going, some of the people I follow on twitter, facebook and Adam.
He has to go, and I wonder if God let me be so angry over what he said about Russell Crowe, because it made this a much easier break. It did.
It’s a lot. A lot of change, a lot of new, but I can do it.
I’m still going to write, but more autobiographical now. More about me and the change that I’m going through with my faith. I’m a little excited for that